


Keep On Loving You

by borkybarks19



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29016189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borkybarks19/pseuds/borkybarks19
Summary: Buck hasn't spoken to Eddie outside of work since before the pandemic. He senses tension between them but doesn't know why things feel different. He slowly starts to realize why he cares so much about what Eddie thinks.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

The pandemic has been devastating the 118. It has been call after call since March and quite frankly everyone was exhausted, especially Buck. He could feel the burnout coming on but didn't want to admit it out loud. He has secretly been seeing a therapist and it helped alleviate his stress but then one day his therapist was digging in deeper and his deepest secret started to come out slowly. His therapist knew there was something beyond the burnout that was bothering him, but Buck wasn't ready to admit it. All he could tell her was a vague response about not being honest about his feelings and he couldn't say anything else. 

He didn't want to acknowledge it, but there was something bothering him. It wasn't just the exhaustion that had him feeling worn out, it was feeling disconnected from Eddie. He didn’t know what went wrong. They were inseparable before the pandemic but after Chris left for his summer trip things changed. Eddie stopped calling him and texting him. He would never respond and he never wanted to spend time outside of work. 

Buck hasn't really spent time with Eddie outside of work since that summer. Eddie was still his friend but everything changed. There was distance between them and by September he was always paired with Chim. He pulled out his phone and looked at the last time he sent Eddie a text. The last message he sent was in January. It made his heart ache. He wasn't sure why it hurt to lose him. He's lost friends before, but the connection he had with Eddie was special. 

He started typing up a text message 

_ Hey, it's been a long time.  _

Delete.

_ Hey there, want to drink a couple of beers? _

Delete. 

_ I miss you so much.  _

He stared back at the words he typed out. He  _ misses  _ him. That's what the feeling was. It almost felt like a break up.  _ Friends don't break up _ .  _ Friends don't feel this way. _ He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.

_ I miss spending time with you and I miss laughing about the dumbest shit. I miss Christopher. I miss drinking beers and how our shoulders would always rub against each other. I miss our knees touching each other and I miss sitting next to you in the fire truck. I miss being your partner. I miss being your friend.  _

Typing out his feelings always made him feel better, and now he couldn't stop. 

_ I don't know what I did wrong for you to want to stop spending time with me, but whatever it is I'm sorry. You might not even care anymore or realize it but things have changed. They've been different. So whatever it is I'm sorry.  _

He feels instant relief and goes to delete his message when he accidentally presses send instead. 

"Fucking shit!" He said out loud.

He actually wanted the ground to swallow him up when he saw the three dots. He felt sweat dripping down his temple, he was expecting a disappointing response, but then the three dots disappeared and somehow not getting a response after pouring his heart out felt worse. 

The next day, he tried to avoid Eddie at the 118, but coincidentally Eddie was in a talkative mood and was always around him. Oddly enough, the text message was not brought up. Things almost felt back to normal, even if it was just for a day. Then he was given terrible news. He had to go help a station out in Texas with Hen and Eddie. Under normal circumstances he would have been excited to meet a new crew and to travel with his friends, however, this was just going to make him feel awkward. 

He tried his best to make a casual conversation with Eddie, but he couldn’t concentrate. Luckily Hen interrupts them. 

"I've never been to Texas." She said excitedly. 

"We are going to have a great time." Eddie responded. 

"Sure we will." Buck said sarcastically. 

Their shift was just starting and all Buck wanted to do was go home and talk to Dr. Copeland, his therapist, but he couldn’t. It was going to be another excruciating work day. Except it wasn’t. The 118 had a slow day considering they were in the middle of the pandemic. He would have preferred a busy day over awkwardly waiting to get a call and having Eddie in his presence. By the time everyone’s shift ended, Buck just wanted to run out of the station, but he seemed to be having the worst luck avoiding Eddie because he walked into the locker room and he immediately started the conversation. 

“Hey Buck. I haven’t really talked to you today.” 

“More like we haven’t really talked in months Eddie.” 

“We talk all the time.” Eddie said. 

“Yeah at work, it’s like I don’t exist anymore outside of that.” Buck sighed. “We haven’t really been friends in over a year. When was the last time we hung out?” 

“Buck we’re in a pandemic. I can’t just expose my so-”

“No, this happened before that. You stopped answering my texts and my calls. You stopped wanting to be around me. You didn’t even respond to the message I sent you last night.” He tried to keep his voice low. 

“Can’t we just talk about this when we get back from Texas?” Eddie said. 

“Sure we can, but I know you will try to find a way to avoid me after Texas.” 

Buck finished tying his shoelaces and stormed out. How dumb could he be? Eddie wants nothing to do with him and he didn’t want to be around him, he was left behind like always. He needed to talk to Dr. Copeland before going to Texas. 


	2. K.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck goes to Texas with Hen and Eddie but he can't hide his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback :)

Buck was able to get an appointment with his therapist the following day. He needed to blow off some steam and just talk about his feelings for once. 

“Good morning Buck, how is it going?” Dr. Copeland said. 

“Not great.” 

“How so?” 

“Remember the discussion we had about me not being honest about my true feelings? Well I accidentally sent Eddie a long text message about how much I miss him and I didn’t get a response from him.” Buck said. 

“How did that make you feel?” 

“I felt…” He paused. “I felt like I no longer mattered to him.”

“You seem to really value your friendship with Eddie, what was the reason for the falling out?” 

“I don’t know. He just started distancing himself last summer, and then we just stopped talking outside of work. I haven’t even seen his son since the beginning of the year.” Buck said. 

“Have you thought about your relationship with Eddie, and why all of this is making you upset?” 

“Why would it upset me?” He questioned. “I don’t have feelings for him…” He trailed off and thought about it. It would explain it all. He has only been upset over break ups and the falling out with Eddie was painful and it felt like the end of a relationship.

“I think I’m in love with him.” Buck said quietly.

Dr. Copeland nodded her head while she was writing notes. “Buck you need to be honest about your feelings.” 

“I tried. He just doesn’t feel the same. I know he doesn’t. He wants to talk after we get back from Texas” Buck looks around his apartment and decides to end his appointment. “I’m going to have to cut this short. I wouldn’t want Albert to hear this” 

“I would like to follow up with you in about two weeks. You should be getting a phone call from the office this week.” 

“Thanks.” He disconnects the video and throws his iPad on his bed. He could scream, but he wouldn’t want his neighbors to worry. Only an idiot would fall in love with his friend. He starts walking downstairs when he sees Albert staring at him. 

“I didn’t know.” 

“I thought you were at the store.” He started to panic. Albert heard him telling his therapist how he felt about Eddie. _Shit._

“I’m not going to tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“Please don’t tell your brother. I just… I need to figure things out first.” Buck said.

“I wouldn’t. I’m actually not surprised.” Albert said. 

“You’re not?”

“Buck it’s kind of obvious. I hope you tell him.” Albert shrugs his shoulders and walks to the living room to watch TV. 

He really wished he listened to Dr. Copeland and Albert's advice. He had to get tested and then he had to isolate himself before leaving to Texas and not once did he even bother to text or call Eddie. Next thing he knew he was on his way to Texas and now he had to really rely on Eddie. They had to stay in a hotel room to avoid getting ill, and everything felt isolating. Hen saw him walking down the hall the morning after meeting the crew and she pulled him aside. 

"Are you going to be able to work with the crew?" Hen asked. 

"Why wouldn't I? You don't think I can get along with others?" Buck said jokingly.

"I mean it. You've been acting different lately, are you going to be able to focus on the job?" 

He wanted to tell Hen everything, but decided that it wasn't the right time. Albert already knew and it was only a matter of time before everyone figured it out. 

"I'm fine. I promise, I'll be able to focus." 

"I know something is bothering you Buck. I've worked with you for the past four years. You're not ready to talk about it yet, so I'll wait until you are." 

"Thanks Hen." 

He walked past her and headed towards the hotel gym. He walked in and saw Eddie running on the treadmill. Buck turned back around and headed towards his room. He couldn't face Eddie just yet. He didn't want to look at him, he couldn't even face him yet because it would hurt. He could picture Eddie just brushing his feelings aside and telling him he doesn't feel the same. _I thought we had a special connection._ He heard familiar footsteps walking behind him and he turned around. 

"Hey, wait." Eddie said. 

"Not right now Eddie." Buck picked up his pace and started walking faster towards his room. 

"Why are you avoiding me?" 

"You said we would talk after Texas. I really don't want to talk about it right now." He slid his card to unlock his room, but Eddie followed him into his room. 

"Eddie, you can't be in here. It's protocol." Buck said. 

"I know I can't, but I'm worried about you." 

"Right now I have to focus on working with this new crew. I can't talk to you right now." He looked at Eddie’s face. He could see the disappointment. "Why do you care about what I feel all of a sudden anyways? You haven't been around in months and now you want to ask me what's wrong?" 

"We have to talk about the text." Eddie said. 

"Not right now. I don't have the energy for that." Buck turned back around. "Can you leave?" He couldn't face him yet. 

"We have to talk about this soon." Eddie left. 

He wanted to scream and punch something until he couldn't feel anything. Eddie wanted to talk and Buck knew it wasn't good news. He figured Eddie wanted to talk to tell him he didn't feel the same and that they could just stay as friends. Eddie just can't be a friend, at least not anymore. Now that he's finally admitted it to someone, he couldn't act normal around Eddie. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone,  
> first off thank you for reading and commenting on my last fic. It's been a while but now that 9-1-1 is back, I felt inspired to write again. I noticed there was some subtle tension between Buck and Eddie and it inspired me to write this :).


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